The Storm

The storm outside seems to be a manifestation of my soul this evening. For weeks now I’ve been churning inside, emotions and anguish bubbling up to the surface unbidden, painful memories haunting my sleep and darkening my days. My hope is that this is the storm that leads to a brighter tomorrow, that the work I’ve been doing on myself has come to this: the memories and pain and loss have created this storm inside me, and it won’t end until I can face all that pain without flinching. I’m finally ready, and so it’s here. I have to stand here, in the midst of the storm, and let all the hurt pass through me and finally away to be able to move forward into the sun.

My introspection has brought up many buried feelings, and lately I have been lost in them … Searching the remembered pain for things I could have done differently. I’ve spent days chastising myself for trusting someone who couldn’t be trusted with my friendship … Let alone my family. The thunder crashes in my head and heart as I feel shame, regret, and the loss of time I can’t retrieve. I look at pictures and feel the weight of the past like a boulder on my heart. I can’t escape the recrimination; it’s mine to carry.

The lightning flashes both outside my window and inside my heart as the anger melts away to pain, and then white hot fury. How dare you take the precious gift I entrusted you with, and soil it with your sick designs?? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?? It wasn’t for you to play God with my life, and decide to “make it better.” And how is this better, exactly? The only question is if I’m more furious with you for what you tried to do to me, under the guise of love, or me for being so stupid and believing you. I can’t seem to separate where the pain ends and the anger begins, and I’m not entirely sure they’re separate anyhow.

I want to cry into the storm until I have no more voice. I want to scream until all the pain and all the rage and all the injustice is gone. What would I be left with?

When the storm ends, and the world is washed clean, there’s a silence and a waiting. I’m not there, yet. I’m still caught inside the storm. But someday soon, the clouds will part and I’ll see the sky above.

Cancer of the Soul

What is negativity?

Oh, I’m sure you think you know the answer to that  question, and you’re correct, but not FULLY correct. Sometimes it’s insidious, and sneaky, and just as soul-deadening.

I’ve allowed it in lately, without even realizing it was there. I thought it was hurt, I told myself I was right and that my pain justified my … my what? Pain, hurt, loss, none of these ever justify ANY response that is negative.

I was manipulated. I was used. But most importantly, I perpetuated the negativity without even realizing it. I gave it more power. It grew, and spread, like a cancer.

I hate cancer.

What do you do with cancer? You cut it out. All of it. So I’m doing that now.

No more manipulation. No more allowing my emotions to be used against me, or against others without my even realizing it. I drive this car. No one else.

Don’t let people seep their negativity into your life. Don’t let cancer in. It always kills the host, if you don’t rid yourself of it fast.