Have you ever had a dream that just seems to repeat over and over, persisting through every wake-up? That was me, last night. I get these repeating dreams often enough that I’ve learned there’s typically a lesson in there for me, if I can just get out of my own way enough to learn it. I haven’t quite sussed this one out yet, because I already understand the message, so I’m unsure why I need to learn it.
The dream begins with me at a mall I worked at in my late teens. Back when I worked there, I was fresh out of high school, and to support my dreams of becoming a rock star I was working in a bookstore. As an avid reader, this was a dream job. At the age of 18 I found myself assistant manager, and fast tracked to get my own store.
In the dream, I stood in the mall, and looked around to find my former life, but all I saw was the success of everyone else I knew at the time. It was akin to walking down the halls of your high school, but no one remembers you anymore. Finally, one person recognized me. They walked towards me, and asked me why I threw everything away.
I woke up then. But when I fell back asleep …
I was brought back in time to a few years after starting at the bookstore. I had gone to college, while still working full-time at the bookstore. I was dreaming of a career in journalism, while also being a rock star (of course). This part of the dream was really just looking back on things that had happened, but from a 3rd person viewpoint. It was at this point in my life that my high school boyfriend, gone 4 years, reappeared. He was persistent and drove almost two hours to see me every single day. It was overwhelming while flattering, but eventually I felt smothered and the beginnings of him controlling me. I didn’t show up at his house for a planned weekend while I tried to sort out my thoughts and plan how to break it off.
He tracked down my work – in the days before Google, and not even living in the same state – and was waiting at the end of my shift Monday. He held the largest stuffed bear I’ve ever seen and a dozen roses, and begged for me not to leave him. Having never been pursued before, and a bit taken aback by his dogged persistence in finding my work, I let him back into my life.
The person from the mall approached me in the dream right after viewing that, and asked me again why I threw it all away. I immediately woke up.
When I fell back asleep, I was viewing my life a few months after he walked back in. I had dropped out of college, because juggling my full-time job and full-time schooling and going out every single night with my boyfriend was taking its toll on me. He convinced me I didn’t need it, because besides – I had him, didn’t I? It seemed to make sense.
“Why did you throw it all away?”
After falling asleep again, I watched as he convinced me that I didn’t need that dead-end job. The job I loved more than anything had gotten in the way of our time together. He still lived almost 2 hours away and we just couldn’t be together enough. I walked out of the bookstore, quitting without notice. We went on a date and spent more money neither of us could afford, but he told me it would all be ok.
“Why did you throw it all away?”
Back to sleep, and I’ve picked up and moved to his state to be with him. Every day and every night we are never apart, except when he goes to work. He quits yet another dead-end job because they wouldn’t give us the weekend off to go away together. I got another job I didn’t really love, but it was 45 minutes away from him. Somehow (not surprisingly), we agreed that I would quit. I walked out. We went to a concert.
I know. I know. I threw it all away.
A few months later I helped him get a job in his field, a career. He did well, and I got a job working as a secretary at the same company, because his dream was for us to work together always. I’d given up my rock star dreams at this point, because I’d stopped dreaming. I occasionally would stare out windows and long for … something. Something that I seemed to have misplaced along the way.
Then I was seeing our plans for marriage and children. He told me I didn’t need to work, that I could stay home with the kids and be there full-time for them. That way I was always there with a hot meal when he got home from work. He told me not to worry, he’d always support and provide for me and the kids.
I woke up for awhile after that. It was hard to get back to sleep, mostly because I didn’t want to see what came next. More because I knew what was coming next.
Next up was me getting into my 30’s, and fighting back against his control. I didn’t like being not being allowed to leave the house without him. I spoke up about being kept a virtual prisoner by him, about having to go everywhere and do everything together. So what did he do? He quit me without notice, walking out of my life and away from his 4 children to move on with my friend. And then I was back in that mall, and everyone I ever worked with that first year was there, surrounding me. They asked me where I’d put myself and my future when I gave it all up for someone who could walk away without a backwards glance.
I didn’t have an answer … and I walked slowly away, torn apart over my lost youth and so many years given to someone who didn’t care and never did. He only wanted someone – it didn’t matter who. I was just the one who let him control me. When I started bucking his control he found someone new to control.
The irony of all of it is that he gave me 4 children, and even though he hurt me in more ways than I can count, being their mother is the greatest accomplishment and blessing of my life. I wouldn’t trade this for rock stardom or journalism or my beloved bookstore. So, in a way, his abuse and lack of real love still gave me the greatest blessing, and he can’t take that from me. All things work together for good …
He works with her now, having quit his almost-20-year career (with no notice) to be by her side all day. They have only one car, and go everywhere together: shopping, appointments, errands, everything. I suppose there’s either a lesson here or a warning …
momswhokeepsecrets 