I have spent hours going through old pictures. I needed to find something. What was I looking for? I wasn’t even sure at first. But it was this ache in my chest, this pain when I saw anything that reminded me of my past. It felt like a hole in my heart.
My past is couched in terms that are almost opposites. At the same time that I weep for the all-together family moments, I feel fear/anger about the horrible abusiveness I endured at the hands of my partner. I realized recently that I’m grieving a “family” that is half manufactured nostalgia, courtesy of my sentimental nature + the good memories. And that’s been hanging me up.
So I went through all the pictures.
All the videos.
All the journal entries.
Yes, I went through everything. And oh my, do I have a lot of things: so many pictures, so many videos, so many entries. It made me pause. I looked at the other pictures: the kids, the trips, the little things done all the time with them. I looked at both together.
I looked at both together.
That’s when it all hit me. None of it was real. I’m feeling nostalgia for a mirage.
Before I go too far, I am NOT saying that the memories with the children weren’t real. Those were basically the only real things during those dark years. But there wasn’t any real connection between me and my partner. The control and pain he chose to put me through had lasting damage on me. I don’t think of him … like ever. The only time I do is in the context of “Oh god, what now??”
I was ridiculed. Called names. Threatened. Belittled. Berated. Raped. That’s the glossing over. But hey, a close friend said he was an oasis for her as she tore my life and my children’s lives to shreds for her own personal gain, so … who am I to judge a little abuse?
The proof is in the pictures, though. That’s the key. The things we did with the kids, I wanted and not only did but enjoyed as much as they did. And even though I’m now a solo parent, my pictures of our fun times haven’t changed. Not at all.
The only thing that is different is the absence of an abusive spouse. And I don’t miss a moment of that. I have never once thought “Hey, I really miss being shuttled around because I’m not allowed to go anywhere by myself. And it’s been awhile since I was told I was a stupid b*tch. Above all, I haven’t had some guy dragging my life down to his gross and base level … I should fix that.”
Um, no. I’d rather pull my own teeth than ever be controlled and verbally abused again. He really made sure to keep me under his thumb. Well, until I broke free.
Me? I’m still playing with the kids and loving it. We do as much and even more than before. The smiles and giggles are constant.
I don’t need to be nostalgic for my family. They’re right here. They always have been. đź’“
momswhokeepsecrets 